Hello! Welcome to the new Port Mann Bridge! While this marvel of engineering can now whisk you to either side of the Fraser River in record time, there are a few safety issues that drivers and transit users should be aware of before crossing!
Ice, fog, and snow
In case of weather below freezing, do not attempt to cross the Port Mann Bridge. Our design team looked on Wikipedia and found that the median temperature for December in Metro Vancouver was well above freezing. Thus, they did not consider whether ice bombs would spontaneously launch from the cables, or if fog and cold would turn the bridge deck into the world's first perfectly frictionless surface.
Our engineers did model extreme rainfall events. The models showed that the central pillars of the cable towers will remain perfectly stable if their outer coating is undisturbed.
Under a layer of concrete, the towers are made mostly of sugar cubes, which was determined to be the most inexpensive load-bearing material available.
As long as the outer crust remains intact, however, the bridge will retain its structural integrity and should not collapse into a giant pile of sucrose.
The northern concrete-drilling wood-pecker
We have installed two fake owls on top of the pillars to scare these creatures away. The fact that they are fond of sugar has been taken into account. There is no need for alarm about any existing holes.
In addition to cold, our engineers did not worry about heat waves, as those only happen about one year in three.
During extreme heat events, the bridge surface may or may not buckle, melt, slide off, or transform into a viscous pool of lava.
If you find your car sinking into the tarry surface, climb onto your roof and wait for the rescue helicopters.
If your car sinks all the way through the molten bridge deck, hold your breath, and as your car plummets towards the Fraser River, deploy your in-car flotation devices.
The heat may also melt the outer layers of the towers, see RAIN.
Giant fire-breathing lizards
There is no evidence, none whatsoever, that the construction of the new Port Mann Bridge disturbed the nesting site of Godzilla.
Nor is there anything to support the contention that Mothra, King Ghidorah, or Rodan have developed a grudge against the tower project.
Any rumours to the effect that the Mysterians are plotting to send their giant robot Moguera to demolish the bridge, unless their demands of world domination are met, are likewise groundless.
The Emergency Monster Warning System was installed on the bridge for purely scientific research purposes.
Ancient Norse Gods/Giants
It is possible that the bridge and its related off-and on-ramps may form a Norse rune that magically summons the fire giant Surt, marking the Ragnarrok, or downfall of the gods.
If so, motorists can expect to see Thor fighting the world-girdling serpent Jormungandr, or Odin being devoured by the giant wolf Fenrir.
If the world actually ends, drivers will get a 15 per cent discount on their Treo tolling bill for the preceding 30 days.
If the end of the world is averted thanks to a group of plucky-but unlikely-heroes putting aside their differences to locate and use a magical talisman and/or book to forestall the inevitable doom of man, there will be no discount.
- Matthew Claxton is a reporter with the Langley Advance.