Each year, journalists around the globe take it upon themselves to predict what will happen over the next 12 months.
Each year they fail. But whether because of hubris or because their other six column ideas fizzled out and now they need to write 500 words in 20 minutes, they try, try again.
And so, I give you my predictions for Chilliwack (and surrounding area) for 2013. Call up your bookie, lay some money on the line. These can't help but come true.
January: After the Paramount Theatre is demolished it is revealed that the downtown landmark was built atop a Mayan/Stonemason burial ground. Incan/Illuminati spirits are released, but Indiana Jones arrives to save the day and allow for the construction of Chilliwack's newest parking lot/welcome mat.
February: After celebrating Family Day on Feb. 11, Chilliwack men and women reconvene three days later on Feb. 14 to bundle their kids up and usher them next door, where the 13-year-old reformed juvenile delinquent has promised to not let Suzy play with his Samurai swords again.
March: The Chilliwack Chiefs head into the post-season on a roll only to discover that their relocation agreement with the BCHL forces them to play all their 2013 playoff games in Quesnel.
April: A Chilliwack man is arrested for the murder of a Kelowna resident who had the bad sense to proclaim: "March flowers bring April showers."
May: Just before the 2013 provincial election, MLA wannabe John Martin ditches the BC Liberal for the Marxist-Leninist party, citing their opposition to everything he didn't once not dislike.
June: A graduating member of the the class of 2013 proclaims she will totally still remain friends with that other girl who sat beside her in that awesome class with the best teacher ever.
Or maybe she sat behind her. Whatever. Best friends forever!
July: Organizers get too clever when they try to top last year's corn-husking world record by attempting a new record for most people simultaneously corn busking (e.g. playing sidewalk music utilizing pieces of corn). It is a disaster when nobody thinks the concept is funny, even after it is explained to them in parentheses.
August: The Chilliwack Fair erupts in violence when pie contest judges Chef Dez and Mayor Sharon Gaetz disagree on what pastry tastes the best. Factions assemble and separate, with the Dezites, as they become known, fortifying the Threshermen building and the Gaetzians grabbing weaponry from the West Coast Lumberjack show and taking the high ground atop the rock climbing wall.
September: An incoming member of the class of 2014 wrinkles her nose upon arrival at school and says she hates and can never be friends with that mean, ugly girl who sits beside her in that one class with that awful teacher.
October: Fire officials will urge teens not to set things on fire on Halloween.
November: Fire officials will declare Halloween a success, despite the fact that numerous groups of teens set various things on fire.
December: Journalists, reporters and other who need to fill space will look back on certain predictions made 12 months prior and declare themselves genius prognosticators. They will tell their bookies that next year will be better and their knees, really, do not need to be broken.
© Copyright 2013